How Long Do People Stay in Prison? Explaining Sentences to Kids

When Someone You Love Goes Away

If you're reading this, chances are someone important in your life has gone to prison, and now you're faced with one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have with a child. Maybe you're lying awake at night, wondering how to explain why daddy won't be home for birthdays, or why mommy can't pick them up from school anymore. Your heart is breaking, and you're trying to figure out how to help a little heart understand something that doesn't make sense to you either.

You're not alone in this moment. Right now, there are millions of children across the country asking the same questions yours are asking. "When is daddy coming home?" "Why can't mommy live with us?" These questions hit differently at bedtime, don't they? When the house feels too quiet, and you're trying to hold it together while tucking them in. I remember those nights – the weight of trying to be strong while your own world feels like it's falling apart.

The truth is, there's no perfect script for this conversation. Every child is different, every situation is unique, and what works for one family might not work for yours. But what I've learned, both from my own journey and from walking alongside countless families, is that children are remarkably resilient when they're given honest, age-appropriate information wrapped in love and reassurance.

Understanding the Big Picture First

Before we dive into how to talk to kids about prison sentences, let's take a moment to acknowledge what you're dealing with. When someone goes to prison, it's not just about understanding numbers and dates – it's about reimagining your entire life. It's about birthday parties with an empty chair, bedtime stories over scratchy phone lines, and holidays that feel incomplete. You're grieving too, and that's okay.

Prison sentences can feel impossibly complex, even for adults. There are minimum sentences and maximum sentences, time off for good behavior, parole possibilities, and a dozen other factors that can change how long someone actually stays locked up. Sometimes you might not even know the exact timeline yourself. Maybe you're still waiting for sentencing, or dealing with appeals, or trying to understand why the lawyer said one thing but something else happened.

What matters most isn't having all the answers – it's being present for the questions. Children don't need you to be a legal expert. They need you to be their safe person, the one who helps them make sense of a world that suddenly feels upside down. They need to know that even though someone important is gone, they are still loved, still safe, and still have people who will take care of them.

What Different Ages Can Understand

Young children, those precious souls between three and six, live in a world of concrete thinking. Time is measured in sleeps, seasons, and special occasions. When my neighbor's four-year-old asked when her daddy was coming home from "the place where he has to stay," her grandmother wisely said, "Daddy will be gone for many birthdays, but he loves you every single day." That's the level of understanding we're working with – simple, honest, and always circled back to love.

At this age, children might think they did something wrong to make their parent go away. I've seen little ones refuse to eat vegetables because they think being good might bring mommy home faster. They need constant reassurance that grown-up problems are never a child's fault. They need to hear, over and over, that the love between them and their incarcerated parent hasn't changed, even if everything else has.

School-age children, roughly seven to twelve, can grasp more complex ideas about rules and consequences. They understand that when someone breaks important rules, there are consequences. But understanding doesn't mean accepting, and this is often when anger shows up. "It's not fair!" becomes a common refrain. And you know what? They're right. It isn't fair that they have to miss their parent. It isn't fair that other kids have both parents at home. Acknowledging their anger, rather than trying to fix it or explain it away, can be powerful.

Remember: Children at this age are also acutely aware of what makes them different from their peers. They might not want friends to know about their parent's incarceration, and that's okay. Give them control over their story – who they tell, when they tell, and how much they share.

Teenagers bring a whole different dynamic to these conversations. They can understand the full complexity of the situation, but that doesn't make it easier – sometimes it makes it harder. They might feel embarrassed, angry at the incarcerated parent, angry at you, angry at the system, or all of the above. They're old enough to understand how incarceration affects the family's finances, social standing, and future plans. College dreams might feel threatened. Family relationships might shift as they take on more responsibilities.

With teens, honesty becomes even more critical. They can handle more truth than younger children, and they'll likely find out details anyway. But honesty doesn't mean overwhelming them with adult worries. It means answering their questions truthfully while still protecting their right to be teenagers – to worry about friends and school and normal teenage things, even while dealing with this extraordinary situation.

Explaining Different Types of Sentences

One of the hardest parts of this conversation is explaining time in a way children can understand. For a five-year-old, next week feels like forever. For a teenager, five years might as well be a lifetime. How do you explain that daddy won't be home for ten years? Or that mommy might be gone for just a few months, but you're not sure exactly when she'll return?

I learned something valuable from a grandmother raising her son's children. She created a paper chain with her grandkids, one link for each month their dad would be gone. Every month, they would remove a link together, talk about their feelings, and do something special to honor their love for him. It gave them a visual representation of time passing and something active to do with their feelings. Not every family will want to count down this way, but finding concrete ways to mark time can help children process the abstract concept of a prison sentence.

For shorter sentences – those lasting months rather than years – you might relate it to familiar timeframes. "Mommy will be gone for about as long as summer vacation" or "Daddy will come home after Christmas." But be careful with these comparisons. Children take our words literally, and if circumstances change (as they often do in the legal system), they need preparation for that possibility too.

Longer sentences require different approaches. You can't promise a three-year-old that mommy will be home when they're in middle school – that timeframe means nothing to them. Instead, focus on what remains constant: "Mommy loves you and thinks about you every day. We'll talk to her on the phone and visit when we can. And I'll be here to take care of you the whole time." As they grow, you can gradually expand their understanding of the timeline.

Handling the Really Hard Questions

"Why did daddy do something bad?" This question stops you cold, doesn't it? Because how do you explain adult mistakes, addiction, desperation, or a system that sometimes gets it wrong to a child who sees the world in terms of good guys and bad guys?

Here's what I've learned: Children can understand that good people sometimes make bad choices. They've made bad choices themselves – hitting a sibling, lying about homework, taking something that wasn't theirs. You can acknowledge that their parent made a choice that hurt people or broke important rules, without making their parent a villain in their story. "Daddy made a mistake that hurt some people, and now he has to stay in a place where he can think about that mistake and learn to make better choices."

"When exactly will they come home?" Often, you won't have a precise answer. The legal system is full of variables – behavior in prison, parole hearings, program completions, overcrowding releases. It's okay to say, "I don't know exactly, but I promise to tell you as soon as I know more." What matters is that they trust you to tell them the truth, even when the truth is uncertain.

"Can we visit?" This depends on so many factors – the facility's rules, distance, your resources, the child's age and emotional readiness. Some children find visits comforting and necessary. Others find them traumatic. There's no right answer that fits every situation. If visits are possible and appropriate, prepare children for what they'll experience – the security checks, the rules about touching, the time limits. If visits aren't possible, help them find other ways to connect – letters, phone calls, drawings, or photos.

Ways to Stay Connected

When visits aren't possible or appropriate, consider these alternatives: recorded bedtime stories from the incarcerated parent, letter-writing rituals, creating photo albums together, or saving special moments to share during phone calls. Some facilities now offer video visits, which can be less overwhelming for young children than in-person visits.

Dealing with Other People's Reactions

The conversation doesn't end with your child. There's a whole world out there with opinions about incarceration, and not all of them are kind. Your child might face questions at school, judgment from other parents, or even lose friendships. This secondary trauma can be just as painful as the initial loss.

I remember when a seven-year-old came home crying because a classmate said her mom was a "bad guy" who deserved to be in jail. Her grandmother's response was beautiful: "Some people don't understand that everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves love. Your mom made a mistake, but she's working to fix it. And no matter what anyone says, she loves you more than all the stars in the sky."

Help your child develop age-appropriate responses to questions. Young children might simply say, "My dad lives somewhere else right now." Older children might choose to share more: "My mom is in prison, but she's still my mom and I love her." Give them permission to share as much or as little as they're comfortable with, and role-play responses to potential questions or comments.

School can be particularly challenging. Consider whether and how to inform teachers and counselors. Many educators want to help but don't know how. A simple conversation explaining the situation and your child's potential triggers or needs can make a huge difference. Some children benefit from having a safe person at school who knows their situation and can provide extra support on difficult days.

Creating Stability in an Unstable Time

When one parent goes to prison, everything changes. Maybe you've had to move in with relatives, change schools, or drastically adjust your lifestyle. Children crave stability, and finding ways to create predictability in an unpredictable situation becomes crucial.

Routines become your lifeline. Regular bedtimes, consistent meal times, predictable phone calls from the incarcerated parent – these anchors help children feel safe when their world feels chaotic. But be gentle with yourself. Some days, pizza for dinner and movies on the couch might be the best you can do, and that's okay. You're not aiming for perfection; you're aiming for presence.

Create new traditions that acknowledge your current reality while building positive memories. Maybe Friday nights become letter-writing nights, where everyone draws pictures or writes notes to send. Maybe you have a special breakfast on phone call days. These rituals give children something to look forward to and help normalize your new situation.

Financial stress often accompanies incarceration, adding another layer of complexity. Children notice when money is tight, when you're stressed about bills, when Christmas looks different than before. Age-appropriate honesty helps here too. "We have less money right now, so we're being careful with spending. But we have everything we need, and we have each other."

Supporting Their Emotional Journey

Grief in children doesn't look like grief in adults. It might show up as anger, withdrawal, regression to younger behaviors, trouble at school, or even seeming perfectly fine. All of these responses are normal. Your child is processing a profound loss – not through death, but through absence – and that grief needs space to exist.

Some days, they might not want to talk about their incarcerated parent at all. Other days, they might have a million questions. Follow their lead. Keep the door open for conversations without forcing them. Sometimes the most important talks happen during car rides, while doing dishes, or at bedtime when defenses are down.

Watch for signs that they might need extra support. Changes in eating or sleeping patterns, declining grades, social withdrawal, or new behavioral problems might indicate they're struggling more than they can express. There's no shame in seeking help – therapists who specialize in children with incarcerated parents can provide valuable support for both you and your child.

When to Seek Immediate Help: If your child expresses thoughts of self-harm, shows signs of severe depression, or experiences significant behavioral changes that don't improve with time and support, please reach out to a mental health professional immediately. Your pediatrician can provide referrals to appropriate resources.

Remember too that children often feel responsible for taking care of the remaining parent or caregiver. They see your stress, your tears, your struggle, and they want to help. While it's beautiful that they care, be mindful of age-appropriate boundaries. They can help with chores and be part of the family team, but they shouldn't feel responsible for your emotional well-being.

Finding Hope and Moving Forward

Here's what I want you to know: families survive this. More than survive – they find ways to thrive, to stay connected, to love fiercely across prison walls. It doesn't minimize the pain or difficulty, but it speaks to the resilience of love and the strength you carry, even when you don't feel strong.

Your children will remember more than just this difficult time. They'll remember how you handled it. They'll remember the bedtime stories you told when they couldn't sleep, the patient answers to impossible questions, the way you showed up even when you wanted to fall apart. They'll remember that in the hardest season of their young lives, they were loved and protected and held.

Recent research from 2019 showed that children who maintain safe, appropriate contact with incarcerated parents often have better outcomes than those who don't. But "contact" doesn't have to look one way. It might be letters, calls, visits, or simply keeping that parent present in conversations and memories. What matters is that children don't feel they have to choose between loving their incarcerated parent and moving forward with their lives.

As time passes, the conversations will evolve. The preschooler who accepted simple explanations will become a teenager with complex questions about justice, forgiveness, and family loyalty. Stay open to these evolving dialogues. Your honesty and presence through the early days build the foundation for these deeper conversations later.

Some days will be harder than others. Birthdays, holidays, school events – these milestones can trigger fresh waves of grief. Acknowledge these difficult days. Create space for sadness while also finding ways to celebrate. Take pictures to share later, save artwork, record messages. Find ways to include the absent parent that feel right for your family.

And please, take care of yourself too. You can't pour from an empty cup, and your children need you healthy and whole. Whether it's through counseling, support groups, faith communities, or trusted friends, find your own sources of support. Your feelings matter too – your anger, grief, overwhelm, and hope all deserve space to exist.

At Out of the Ashes, we've walked alongside thousands of families navigating incarceration. We've seen children grow up to be compassionate, resilient adults who understand that life is complex and people are more than their worst mistakes. We've seen families find ways to love across walls and wire, to maintain bonds that seemed impossible to preserve. Through our support groups, children's programs, and family resources, we provide spaces where your story is understood, where your children can meet others who share their experience, and where hope isn't just a word but a lived reality. You don't have to do this alone.

Your love for your children, your determination to help them through this, your presence in their pain – these are gifts more valuable than you know. Trust yourself. Trust their resilience. And know that even in this difficult chapter, you're writing a story of love that transcends circumstances. That's the truth you can always come back to, the answer that fits every question: love remains.