How to Send Money to an Incarcerated Parent
Understanding Why This Feels So Hard
Sending money to someone in prison shouldn't feel like solving a complex puzzle, but somehow it does. The emotional weight of having a parent behind bars is already heavy enough without adding layers of bureaucratic complexity. You might be dealing with feelings of resentment—why should you have to figure this out? Or guilt—what if you can't afford to send enough? These feelings are completely normal and valid.
The prison system wasn't designed with families in mind. It was built around security and control, which means every process, including something as simple as putting money in your parent's account, comes with multiple steps, fees, and restrictions. Understanding this isn't about excusing the system—it's about helping you realize that your frustration is justified and shared by millions of other families navigating the same maze.
Many people describe feeling like they're being punished too, even though they haven't committed any crime. When you're trying to maintain a connection with your incarcerated parent, every obstacle can feel personal. The high fees for money transfers, the limited options for sending funds, the delays in processing—all of these create additional stress on relationships that are already strained by separation.
What Your Parent Actually Needs Money For
Before diving into the how-to, it's important to understand what your parent uses money for inside. Prison commissary isn't like a regular store—it's often the only source for basic necessities that many of us take for granted. Your parent might need funds for soap, shampoo, deodorant, and other hygiene products that aren't adequately provided by the facility. The state-issued supplies are often of such poor quality that they're barely usable.
Beyond hygiene, commissary money goes toward food. Prison meals are notoriously inadequate in both nutrition and portion size. Many incarcerated people rely on commissary purchases to supplement their diet with items like peanut butter, tuna, or instant noodles. This isn't about luxury—it's about basic sustenance and maintaining some dignity in an environment designed to strip it away.
Communication costs money too. Phone calls home can cost several dollars for just a few minutes. Email systems, where available, charge by the message. Stamps for physical letters need to be purchased. Without money in their account, your parent's ability to maintain connections with the outside world—connections that research shows are crucial for successful reentry—becomes severely limited.
There are also less visible needs. Money might go toward over-the-counter medications, educational materials, or even basic clothing items like underwear and socks. Some facilities charge for medical visits, meaning your parent might be choosing between calling home and seeing a doctor for a health concern.
Navigating the Different Money Transfer Systems
The landscape of prison money transfer services can feel overwhelming. Companies like JPay, GTL (Global Tel Link), and Access Corrections dominate different regions and facilities. Each has its own website, app, fees, and processing times. The first step is always finding out which service your parent's facility uses. This information is usually available on the prison's website, though these sites aren't always user-friendly.
Once you've identified the right service, you'll need to create an account. This process typically requires your parent's inmate ID number, the facility name, and your personal information. Be prepared for identity verification steps that might feel invasive—these companies often require more personal data than seems necessary. Keep your login information somewhere safe; you'll likely be using this service regularly.
The actual process of sending money varies by platform, but generally involves logging in, entering the amount you want to send, and choosing a payment method. Credit and debit cards are usually accepted, but they come with higher fees. Some services offer the option to send money orders or cashier's checks by mail, which has lower fees but takes much longer. There's always a trade-off between speed and cost.
Processing times can be frustrating. While some services advertise "instant" transfers, the reality is often different. It might take anywhere from a few hours to several days for funds to appear in your parent's account. Holidays and weekends can cause additional delays. Learning the rhythm of when to send money—perhaps timing it with your parent's commissary day—can help reduce anxiety about whether funds will arrive when needed.
Understanding and Managing the Fees
The fees associated with sending money to prison are a source of anger for many families, and rightfully so. These companies charge what feels like predatory rates for a basic service. You might pay $5-10 in fees to send $20, effectively taxing families who are often already struggling financially. Recent studies have shown that families of incarcerated individuals pay over $2.9 billion annually in commissary and phone charges.
These fees hit differently depending on your financial situation. If you're living paycheck to paycheck, that $8 fee on a $25 transfer means choosing between sending your parent money for hygiene items or putting gas in your car. Some families develop strategies like sending larger amounts less frequently to minimize the fee percentage, but this requires having more money available upfront—a luxury not everyone has.
It's important to know that advocacy groups have been fighting these excessive fees, and some states have begun implementing caps. However, change is slow, and in the meantime, families bear the burden. Don't feel guilty if you can't send as much or as often as you'd like. Your parent likely understands the financial strain, even if they don't always express it. Many incarcerated parents feel guilty about being a financial burden on their families.
Consider sending larger amounts monthly rather than small amounts weekly if your budget allows. Some facilities offer fee-free options like money orders sent by mail—though these take longer, they might work for non-urgent needs. Ask your parent about their facility's indigent fund policies; if they qualify, they might receive basic supplies without needing commissary money.
Setting Boundaries While Staying Connected
One of the hardest aspects of having an incarcerated parent is navigating requests for money when your own resources are limited. Your parent might not fully understand your financial situation, or desperation might lead them to ask for more than you can give. This creates a painful dynamic where saying no feels like abandonment, but saying yes might mean you can't pay your own bills.
Honest communication, though difficult, is essential. If you're comfortable doing so, share your financial reality with your parent. Explain your budget constraints without going into details that might cause them additional worry. You might say something like, "I can commit to sending $30 on the first of each month, but that's what I can manage while keeping the lights on here." Most parents, despite their own struggles, don't want to cause hardship for their children.
Sometimes the requests become manipulative or aggressive, especially if your parent is dealing with addiction or mental health issues exacerbated by incarceration. In these cases, maintaining boundaries becomes even more critical. It's okay to take breaks from communication if needed. It's okay to say, "I love you, but I can't send money this month." Your wellbeing matters too, and you can't support anyone else if you're drowning.
Remember that money isn't the only way to show love and maintain connection. Letters cost only the price of a stamp and can mean just as much as commissary funds. Some families establish special occasions for sending money—birthdays, holidays, or the beginning of each season—which helps manage expectations while still providing support.
When You Simply Can't Afford to Send Money
There will be times when sending money simply isn't possible. Maybe you've lost your job, faced unexpected medical bills, or you're a student living on loans. The guilt that comes with being unable to provide financial support can be crushing, especially when you know your parent is going without basic necessities.
First, release yourself from the burden of guilt. The system that charges families to maintain basic human connections is what's broken, not you. Your parent's situation is not your responsibility to fix, especially not at the cost of your own stability. Many formerly incarcerated individuals report that while money helped, what they remember most is who stayed in contact, who wrote letters, who answered the phone.
If your parent's facility allows it, consider sending a care package instead of money. Some prisons have approved vendors for packages that might offer better value than commissary purchases. You could also reach out to prison ministry groups or reentry organizations that sometimes provide assistance to indigent inmates. Don't be afraid to tell your parent you're exploring these alternatives—it shows you care and are trying to find solutions.
Focus on what you can provide: emotional support, consistency in communication, and hope for the future. Share updates about your life, send photos if allowed, and maintain the connection in whatever ways don't require money. Many incarcerated parents report that knowing their children are doing well—staying in school, working, building healthy relationships—brings them more comfort than any commissary purchase could.
Protecting Yourself from Scams and Manipulation
Be cautious if someone claiming to be a "friend" of your parent contacts you asking for money to be sent to their account instead. Never send money to anyone other than your parent unless you've verified the request through official channels. Scams targeting families of incarcerated individuals are unfortunately common.
The vulnerability that comes with having an incarcerated parent can make you a target for various forms of manipulation. Sometimes this comes from other inmates who pressure your parent for their commissary funds. Your parent might ask you to send money to someone else's account, claiming they owe a debt or need to pay for protection. This puts you in an impossible position.
If your parent asks you to send money to another inmate's account, it's generally best to decline. This protects both you and your parent from becoming entangled in potentially dangerous prison dynamics. You can express this boundary with love: "Dad, I care about your safety, which is why I can only send money directly to your account. Let's talk about other ways I can support you."
Be aware too of third-party scams. Criminals know that families of incarcerated individuals are often desperate for information or connection. They might pose as lawyers offering help, fellow inmates' family members suggesting money pooling schemes, or even facility staff requesting unofficial payments. Always verify any unusual requests through official channels, even if it means calling the facility directly.
Taking Care of Your Own Emotional Needs
The emotional toll of managing finances for an incarcerated parent extends far beyond the practical challenges. You might feel like you're parenting your parent, especially if you're young yourself. The role reversal can be destabilizing and lonely. You deserve support too, and seeking it isn't a betrayal of your parent.
Consider joining a support group for families affected by incarceration. These spaces, whether online or in-person, provide validation and practical advice from people who truly understand. You'll find others wrestling with the same questions: How much is too much to send? How do I handle the guilt? What do I do when I'm angry at my parent for putting me in this position?
Therapy can also be invaluable, particularly if you can find a counselor familiar with the impacts of parental incarceration. Many people carry complex feelings—love mixed with resentment, hope tangled with fear, loyalty complicated by self-preservation needs. Professional support can help you process these emotions without judgment.
Remember that taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary. You might be playing a long game here, supporting your parent through years or even decades of incarceration. That's only sustainable if you're also building a stable, fulfilling life for yourself. Your parent's incarceration doesn't have to define your entire existence.
Looking Toward the Future
As you navigate the complexities of sending money to your incarcerated parent, remember that this situation is temporary, even when it doesn't feel that way. Whether your parent has months or years left to serve, there will come a time when these particular challenges end. The skills you're developing now—boundary setting, financial management, navigating complex systems—will serve you well beyond this experience.
Many people find that managing this responsibility, as difficult as it is, helps them develop resilience and practical life skills. You're learning to advocate within bureaucratic systems, to manage complex emotions while handling practical tasks, and to maintain relationships under incredibly challenging circumstances. These are profound capabilities that not everyone develops.
Consider documenting this journey in whatever way feels right to you. Some people find that keeping a journal helps process the experience. Others save their correspondence with their parent as a record of maintaining connection despite obstacles. This documentation can be valuable for your own healing and might someday help others walking a similar path.
As you continue this journey, know that organizations like Out of the Ashes understand the unique challenges you're facing. Our programs are designed by and for people who've walked this path, offering not just practical resources but the emotional support that comes from genuine understanding. Whether you need help navigating the financial aspects of parental incarceration or simply need a space where your experience is validated and understood, we're here as a resource whenever you need us.
The road of supporting an incarcerated parent is long and often lonely, but you don't have to walk it alone. Every family's situation is different, and there's no one "right" way to handle these challenges. Trust yourself to make the decisions that work for your circumstances. Your willingness to maintain connection, despite all the barriers the system places in your way, is an act of courage that your parent likely appreciates more than they can express. In staying connected, in whatever way you can manage, you're not just sending money—you're sending hope, maintaining humanity, and refusing to let the system break the bonds that matter most.