Reentry Challenges: Helping Kids Adjust to Parent's Return
Reentry Challenges: Helping Kids Adjust to Parent's Return
When Dreams Meet Reality
You've probably played this moment out in your mind a thousand times. Maybe you've imagined a movie-style reunion with everyone running into each other's arms, tears of joy flowing freely. Or perhaps you've worried about awkward silences and children hiding behind your legs. The truth is, most families experience something in between—moments of pure happiness mixed with confusion, adjustment struggles, and unexpected emotions from everyone involved.
Your eight-year-old might have drawn pictures of daddy coming home for months, only to suddenly become shy and clingy when the moment arrives. Your teenager who seemed indifferent might surprise you with anger you didn't see coming. And you? You might find yourself grieving the loss of the routine you've built, even while celebrating this reunion you've prayed for. These conflicting feelings don't make you a bad person—they make you human.
The period following a parent's return from incarceration is often called the "honeymoon phase," but that term can be misleading. Yes, there's often initial excitement and joy, but it's usually accompanied by stress, confusion, and the hard work of figuring out how to be a family again. Research from the Urban Institute found that children often experience a rollercoaster of emotions during this time, from excitement to anxiety to anger—sometimes all in the same day. Understanding this can help you prepare for the journey ahead and give yourself grace when things don't go as smoothly as you'd hoped.
Understanding Your Children's Hidden Fears
Children rarely express their deepest fears directly. Instead, they might act out, withdraw, or develop new anxieties that seem unrelated to their parent's return. Your typically well-behaved child might start having tantrums. Your independent teenager might suddenly need constant reassurance. These behaviors are often rooted in fears they can't quite name or understand themselves.
Many children worry that their returning parent will leave again. This fear is entirely rational—they've experienced the loss once, and their developing minds are trying to protect them from experiencing it again. Some children have admitted years later that they purposely misbehaved or pushed their returning parent away because they thought it would hurt less if they controlled the separation. Others worry that their parent has become a stranger, someone they don't really know anymore. Phone calls and video visits, while precious, can't fully capture someone's presence, smell, or the way they move through daily life.
There's also the fear of losing you—the parent or caregiver who's been their rock. Children often worry that they'll have to choose sides or that the love and attention they've received will now be divided. Younger children might not understand that love multiplies rather than divides. They might see their returning parent as competition for your attention, leading to jealousy and acting out. Teenagers might feel protective of you, having watched you struggle and persevere. They might resent their returning parent for the hardship the family endured, even if they logically understand it's more complicated than that.
Preparing the Ground Before Homecoming
The work of successful reentry begins long before your loved one walks through the door. How you prepare your children can make a significant difference in how smoothly the transition goes. This doesn't mean you need to have all the answers or present a perfect plan—in fact, acknowledging uncertainty can be helpful. But there are ways to lay groundwork that honors everyone's feelings and needs.
Start by having honest, age-appropriate conversations about what to expect. For younger children, this might mean talking about how Mommy or Daddy might look different, smell different, or not know about things that have happened while they were gone. You might say something like, "Remember how you felt on the first day of school when everything was new? Daddy might feel that way when he comes home. We'll all need to be patient with each other as we figure out how to be a family again."
With older children and teenagers, you can be more direct about the challenges ahead. Acknowledge that it might feel weird at first, that there might be arguments about rules and routines, and that it's okay to have mixed feelings. One mother shared with me how she told her teenagers, "We've all changed while Dad's been gone. He's changed too. We're going to have to get to know each other again, and that might be uncomfortable sometimes. But uncomfortable doesn't mean bad—it just means we're growing."
Consider creating new rituals or traditions that can begin immediately upon return. This gives everyone something concrete to focus on besides the awkwardness. Maybe it's a weekly pizza night where everyone shares their high and low points of the week. Maybe it's morning walks or bedtime stories. Having these planned activities can ease the pressure of figuring out how to just "be" together again.
Navigating the First Days and Weeks
Those first moments of reunion can be overwhelming for everyone. Some children dive into their parent's arms while others hang back. Some parents try to make up for lost time immediately, while others feel paralyzed by the weight of the moment. There's no right way to reunite, but understanding what might happen can help you navigate whatever unfolds.
Physical affection can be particularly complicated. A parent who left when their child was a cuddly toddler might return to find a reserved pre-teen who flinches at hugs. This rejection can be devastating for a parent who's dreamed of holding their child for months or years. As the caregiver who's been present, you might need to gently coach both sides—reminding the returning parent that trust and physical comfort need to be rebuilt slowly, while helping children understand that rejecting affection might hurt their parent's feelings.
Daily routines will likely be disrupted, and that's okay. The parent who's been away might not know that Tuesday is library day or that your ten-year-old now insists on showering at night instead of in the morning. They might give permission for something you've said no to, or vice versa. Instead of seeing these moments as failures, try to frame them as opportunities for communication. A conversation that starts with "Oh, I should have mentioned that we started doing bedtime differently" is much more productive than one that begins with "You're undermining my authority."
Rebuilding Trust and Authority
One of the most delicate aspects of reentry is reestablishing the returning parent's role and authority within the family. During their absence, you've likely become the sole decision-maker, the rule-setter, the permission-granter. Your children have adapted to this dynamic, and suddenly changing it can feel threatening to everyone involved—including you.
Many returning parents struggle with feeling like a visitor in their own home. They might overcompensate by trying to assert authority too quickly, leading to power struggles that upset the fragile balance you're all trying to build. On the flip side, some returning parents are so afraid of disrupting the family's rhythm that they defer all decisions to you, essentially remaining an outsider. Neither extreme serves the family well in the long run.
The key is gradual integration with lots of communication. In the beginning, it might work best for the returning parent to support your established rules while slowly taking on more parenting responsibilities. For instance, they might start by being the one to remind children about homework time (a rule you've already established) before moving on to making decisions about weekend activities. This progression allows children to adjust to their parent as an authority figure again while giving the returning parent time to understand the current family dynamics.
Children, especially older ones, might test these new boundaries. They might play parents against each other or challenge the returning parent's right to make rules. This is normal but needs to be addressed. Having regular check-ins between adults—away from the children—can help you present a united front. These conversations might be difficult, especially if you disagree about parenting approaches, but they're essential for rebuilding a functioning family unit.
Dealing with Loyalty Conflicts and Emotional Struggles
Children often find themselves caught in an emotional tug-of-war they don't understand. They love their returning parent but might feel guilty about the bond they've developed with other caregivers during the absence. They might worry that showing affection to one parent means betraying the other. These loyalty conflicts can manifest in various ways—withdrawal, anger, physical symptoms like stomachaches, or regression to younger behaviors.
Your six-year-old might suddenly insist that only you can tuck them in, rejecting their other parent's attempts at bedtime routines. Your teenager might make cutting remarks designed to hurt their returning parent while clinging more tightly to you. These behaviors stem from confusion and fear, not malice. Children need explicit permission to love everyone in their life without choosing sides.
You can help by modeling inclusive language and behavior. Instead of "Do you want Mom or Dad to help with homework?" try "Mom's really good at math—should we ask her to join us?" Show your children that loving their returning parent doesn't diminish your relationship with them. Share positive memories when appropriate: "Your dad always made the best pancakes. Maybe he can teach us his secret recipe this weekend." This gives children permission to embrace their returning parent while acknowledging the life you've built in their absence.
Supporting Different Ages Through the Transition
Every developmental stage brings unique challenges and opportunities during reentry. Understanding what your child is capable of processing at their age can help you provide appropriate support and set realistic expectations for adjustment.
Young children (ages 3-6) often have the most fluid adjustment, but also the least understanding of what's happening. They might not fully grasp where their parent has been or why they left. Time is a fuzzy concept at this age—two years might feel like forever or yesterday, depending on the moment. These children often do best with concrete, sensory experiences that rebuild connection. The smell of their parent's cologne, the sound of their laugh, the feeling of being carried—these sensory memories can bridge the gap of absence more effectively than words.
School-age children (ages 7-11) are developing a more complex understanding of right and wrong, fairness and consequences. They might struggle with anger about the absence while simultaneously feeling guilty for being angry. They're old enough to have been aware of the family's struggles but not always old enough to understand the full context. These children often benefit from having a voice in how the family moves forward. Let them help create new family rules or traditions. Give them choices when possible: "Dad wants to spend special time with you this weekend. Would you rather go to the park or work on a project together?"
Teenagers face perhaps the most complex adjustment. They're developing their own identity and might have assumed adult responsibilities during their parent's absence. A 16-year-old who's been helping pay bills and caring for younger siblings might bristle at being treated like a child again. They might have complicated feelings about their parent's crime and incarceration, especially if peers know about it. Teenagers need respect for the maturity they've developed while still being allowed to be kids. Honest conversations that acknowledge their growth and struggles can go further than attempts to restore a previous parent-child dynamic that no longer fits.
Creating New Memories While Honoring the Past
One of the most healing aspects of reentry is the opportunity to create new positive memories together. However, there's often pressure to make every moment count, to somehow compensate for lost time. This pressure can make natural moments feel forced and create stress rather than connection. The truth is, you can't make up for lost time—but you can make the most of the time you have now.
Start small and let connections build naturally. A returning parent reading bedtime stories might feel more genuine than an elaborate outing designed to create magical memories. Cooking dinner together, even if it's just spaghetti, provides natural opportunities for conversation and collaboration. These ordinary moments often become the foundation for renewed relationships more effectively than grand gestures.
It's also important to acknowledge the time that's passed rather than pretending it didn't happen. Children need to know that their experiences during their parent's absence matter. The soccer games attended by grandparents, the school plays watched by aunts, the bedtime stories read by you alone—these moments shaped your children and deserve recognition. When returning parents can honor these experiences rather than feeling threatened by them, children feel validated and understood.
Some families find it helpful to create a visual timeline or scrapbook that includes the period of absence. This isn't about dwelling on the separation but about acknowledging that life continued and growth happened. A returning parent looking through photos and saying, "Tell me about this day" or "I'm so proud of how you handled that" can be incredibly healing for children who might otherwise feel like those years don't count.
Finding Your New Normal
As weeks turn into months, the initial intensity of reentry begins to fade, and the real work of building a sustainable family life begins. This is when many families struggle because the adrenaline of reunion has worn off, but the challenges remain. The returning parent might still be adjusting to freedom while simultaneously trying to parent. You might be struggling to let go of control while desperately needing to share the burden. Children might be testing boundaries, unsure of what the rules are now.
Finding your new normal is a process of constant negotiation and adjustment. What worked last month might not work this month. The independence your teenager needed during the parent's absence might now feel like rejection to the returning parent. The bedtime routine that comforted your young child might need to evolve to include their other parent. Flexibility and communication become your most valuable tools.
Regular family meetings can help navigate this evolving landscape. These don't need to be formal or lengthy—even 15 minutes weekly to check in can make a difference. Let different family members take turns leading these meetings. Ask questions like: "What's working well for our family right now?" "What's feeling hard?" "What's one thing we could try differently this week?" This gives everyone a voice and helps identify issues before they become major problems.
It's also crucial to maintain individual relationships within the family system. The returning parent needs one-on-one time with each child to rebuild unique bonds. You need time with each child to reassure them that your relationship remains strong. The adults need time together to work on their partnership. And everyone needs some time alone to process their own emotions. Balancing these various needs isn't easy, but acknowledging them all as valid is the first step.
Hope for the Journey Ahead
If you've made it this far in the article, you're likely feeling the weight of this journey. Maybe you're recognizing challenges you're already facing or anticipating difficulties ahead. It's important to acknowledge that reentry is hard—really hard. But it's also important to know that families do successfully navigate this transition. Not perfectly, not without struggles, but with love, patience, and support, families can emerge stronger.
Recent studies have shown that children who successfully reunite with formerly incarcerated parents often develop remarkable resilience, empathy, and problem-solving skills. They learn that love can persist through difficulties, that people can change and grow, and that families can heal from trauma. These are powerful life lessons that, while born from hardship, can serve them well throughout their lives.
Your family's journey will be unique. You might have setbacks that feel overwhelming—a birthday celebration that goes wrong, a school event that triggers unexpected emotions, a moment when you wonder if things will ever feel "normal." In these moments, remember that healing isn't linear. Progress might look like two steps forward and one step back, and that's okay. What matters is that you keep moving forward together, adjusting your expectations and strategies as you learn what works for your family.
As you move forward, carry with