Teenage Years With a Parent in Prison: A Survival Guide
You're Not Alone in This
If you're reading this with a knot in your stomach and a weight on your shoulders that feels too heavy for someone your age, I see you. Having a parent in prison during your teenage years is like trying to navigate the already turbulent waters of adolescence while carrying an invisible anchor that nobody else seems to understand. This guide comes from those of us who've walked this path—and from the thousands of teens who've shared their stories with Out of the Ashes over the years.
The morning your parent went to prison might be seared into your memory, or maybe it's all a blur of courtrooms and confusion. Either way, you're here now, trying to figure out how to be a teenager when your family looks nothing like the ones you see on TV or in your friends' Instagram stories. You might be angry at your parent, at the system, at yourself, or at the whole world—and you have every right to feel whatever you're feeling.
Being a teenager is already like living with your emotions turned up to eleven. Add in a parent's incarceration, and it can feel like you're drowning in feelings that don't even have names. Some days you might feel oddly normal, laughing with friends at lunch, and then suddenly remember your reality and feel guilty for that moment of forgetting. Other days, the weight of it all might make it hard to even get out of bed.
Understanding Your Emotional Rollercoaster
The emotions you're experiencing aren't just valid—they're completely normal responses to an abnormal situation. You might cycle through anger, sadness, shame, relief, guilt, and numbness all in the same day, sometimes in the same hour. This emotional whiplash can be exhausting, and you might wonder if you're going crazy. You're not. You're having a human response to trauma and loss.
Many teens describe feeling angry at their incarcerated parent for "choosing" crime over family. This anger is real and justified, even if the situation is more complicated than simple choices. You might also feel angry at your other parent or caregiver for not preventing this, at the legal system for taking your parent away, or at friends who complain about their parents being annoying when yours isn't even there. Sometimes the anger has nowhere to go, so it just sits in your chest, making everything feel harder than it should be.
Grief is another companion you might not have expected. You're grieving the loss of your parent's presence, sure, but you're also grieving the family you thought you'd have, the normal teenage experiences you're missing, and maybe even the person you might have been if this hadn't happened. This grief can hit at unexpected moments—seeing a parent-child duo at the store, hearing about father-daughter dances or mother-son events at school, or simply waking up on a Saturday morning to a quieter house than you deserve.
Remember: There's no "right" way to feel about your parent's incarceration. Your emotions are valid whether you miss them desperately, feel relieved they're gone, or experience a confusing mix of both. Many teens report feeling guilty for being angry at their parent, and equally guilty for still loving them. This internal conflict is one of the hardest parts of having an incarcerated parent.
Dealing with School When Your World Is Upside Down
School can feel like an alternate universe when you're dealing with a parent in prison. You're supposed to care about algebra tests and book reports when your family is in crisis. Teachers might notice you're struggling but not understand why. Classmates might gossip if they find out, or you might exhaust yourself trying to keep it secret.
The academic impact is real—studies from the past decade consistently show that parental incarceration can affect concentration, grades, and school engagement. But knowing you're not alone in struggling doesn't make it easier when you're staring at a blank test paper, your mind a million miles away. Some days, just showing up is a victory, and that's okay.
You might find yourself falling behind because you're taking on extra responsibilities at home, or because your brain simply can't focus on schoolwork when it's processing trauma. Some teens throw themselves into academics as a way to control something in their lives or to prove they're not like their incarcerated parent. Others find school feels pointless compared to what they're dealing with at home. Both responses—and everything in between—are normal ways of coping.
The social aspect of school can be particularly challenging. You might feel like you're wearing a sign that says "my parent is in prison," even when no one knows. Deciding who to tell, if anyone, can feel like an impossible choice. Some teens report losing friends after disclosure, while others find unexpected support. Many describe feeling isolated even in crowded hallways, carrying a secret that feels too big to share but too heavy to bear alone.
Navigating Relationships and Friendships
Friendships during these years can feel like walking through a minefield. You might find yourself pulling away from friends because their problems seem trivial compared to yours, or because you're tired of lying about where your parent is. Some friends might not know what to say if you do tell them, leading to awkward silences or well-meaning but hurtful comments. Others might surprise you with their compassion and understanding.
The question of disclosure is deeply personal. There's no obligation to tell anyone about your parent's incarceration, but keeping it secret can be exhausting. Some teens create cover stories—saying their parent is "working away" or "traveling for business"—but maintaining these lies can become a burden of its own. Others choose radical honesty, deciding that anyone who judges them for their parent's actions isn't worth their friendship anyway.
Dating adds another layer of complexity. When do you tell someone you're interested in about your family situation? How do you explain why they can't meet your parent or why family dinners look different at your house? Some teens avoid dating altogether during this time, while others find that romantic relationships provide much-needed emotional support. There's no right answer, only what feels manageable for you at any given time.
You might also notice changes in your relationship with your at-home parent or caregiver. They're dealing with their own trauma and stress, which can make them less available emotionally even as you need them more. You might find yourself taking on a caretaker role, trying to hold everything together for younger siblings or a struggling parent. This role reversal is common but can be overwhelming for someone your age.
Managing Contact with Your Incarcerated Parent
The relationship with your incarcerated parent is perhaps the most complex piece of this puzzle. Whether you want contact with them or not, the limited options available—phone calls, letters, visits—each come with their own challenges and emotional toll.
Phone calls from prison are expensive and often come at inconvenient times. You might be in the middle of homework or hanging out with friends when the collect call comes through. The conversations themselves can feel strained and artificial, with both of you trying to cram weeks of life into a fifteen-minute call while avoiding topics that might upset each other. Some teens describe feeling pressure to be cheerful and report only good news, hiding their struggles to avoid adding to their parent's guilt.
Prison visits, if you choose to go, can be emotionally and logistically complicated. The early morning drives, the long waits, the searches, the rules about what you can wear or bring—it's all part of a system that can feel dehumanizing. Seeing your parent in prison clothes, in that environment, can be jarring no matter how many times you've done it. Some teens find visits helpful for maintaining connection, while others find them too painful or disruptive to their efforts to move forward.
Letters might feel like a safer form of contact—you can control when you read and respond to them. But putting your feelings into words can be challenging, especially when you know your parent is reading them in a cell. You might struggle with what to say, how honest to be about your anger or pain, or whether to write at all.
Important: You have the right to choose what kind of contact, if any, you want with your incarcerated parent. This decision is yours to make, regardless of pressure from family members or your parent themselves. If someone is forcing you to have contact that makes you uncomfortable, or if communications from your parent are harmful or inappropriate, talk to a trusted adult or counselor about setting boundaries.
Taking Care of Your Mental Health
Your mental health during this time isn't a luxury—it's a necessity. The stress of having an incarcerated parent can manifest in various ways: anxiety, depression, anger issues, or even physical symptoms like headaches or stomach problems. Research from the last decade has consistently shown that teens with incarcerated parents are at higher risk for mental health challenges, but this doesn't mean you're destined to struggle forever.
Finding a therapist or counselor who understands the unique challenges of parental incarceration can be life-changing. If your family can't afford private therapy, many schools have counselors who can help, and there are organizations that provide free or low-cost mental health services specifically for families affected by incarceration. The key is finding someone you feel comfortable with—someone who doesn't judge your parent or your family, and who understands that your feelings might be complicated.
Self-care might sound like a buzzword, but it's actually about survival. This doesn't mean face masks and bubble baths (though if those help, go for it). It means finding healthy ways to process your emotions and take breaks from the heaviness. Maybe it's through sports, where you can channel anger into physical activity. Maybe it's through art or music, where you can express feelings that don't have words. Maybe it's through volunteering, where helping others helps you feel less helpless in your own situation.
Some teens find that connecting with others who understand their experience is incredibly healing. Support groups for teens with incarcerated parents exist in many communities and online. There's something powerful about being in a space where you don't have to explain why Mother's Day or Father's Day is hard, where everyone understands the prison phone system, and where no one judges your family.
Building Your Identity Beyond Your Parent's Mistakes
One of the biggest challenges you might face is figuring out who you are separate from your parent's incarceration. You are not your parent's crime. You are not destined to follow in their footsteps. You are not responsible for their choices. These truths can be hard to internalize when the world sometimes seems determined to define you by your family circumstances.
You might find yourself working extra hard to be "perfect"—getting straight A's, never getting in trouble, trying to prove that you're different. Or you might feel like there's no point in trying because people will judge you anyway. Both reactions are understandable, but try to remember that you deserve to make mistakes and be human just like any other teenager. Your worth isn't determined by being the "good kid from a bad family."
Building your identity might involve exploring interests and talents that have nothing to do with your family situation. Maybe you discover a love for theater, robotics, cooking, or social justice work. Maybe you find that your experience has given you empathy and strength that others your age don't have. Many teens with incarcerated parents report feeling more mature than their peers, having a different perspective on what really matters in life.
It's also okay if part of your identity includes being an advocate for criminal justice reform or supporting other kids with incarcerated parents. Some teens find purpose in turning their pain into action. Others prefer to keep this part of their life private and focus on other aspects of who they are. There's no right way to integrate this experience into your identity—it's a deeply personal journey.
Planning for Your Future
Looking ahead to your future when your present feels so uncertain can be daunting. College applications that ask about family, scholarship essays that want you to explain challenges you've overcome, career days where everyone talks about their parents' jobs—these normal teenage milestones can feel like landmines.
The financial impact of incarceration on families is real and can affect your options for the future. You might be worried about affording college or even basic necessities. But there are resources available specifically for students with incarcerated parents, including scholarships and programs designed to help you succeed despite these challenges. Your parent's incarceration doesn't have to derail your dreams, though it might mean taking a different path to reach them.
Some teens feel guilty about planning for a future that doesn't include their incarcerated parent, especially if they're serving a long sentence. It's okay to have mixed feelings about moving forward with your life while your parent is stuck in place. Building your future isn't a betrayal—it's what most parents, even those who've made terrible mistakes, want for their children.
You might also worry about how your parent's record will affect your future—will employers judge you? Will college admissions committees hold it against you? While these concerns are understandable, many successful people have overcome the challenge of having an incarcerated parent. Your story of resilience can actually be a strength, showing your ability to persevere through adversity.
Remember Your Strengths
Living with a parent in prison has likely taught you:
- Resilience in the face of adversity
- Empathy for others facing challenges
- Independence and self-reliance
- The ability to see beyond surface judgments
- Strength you didn't know you had
These qualities will serve you well in whatever future you choose to build.
Finding Hope and Moving Forward
If you've made it this far, you've already shown incredible strength. Being a teenager with a parent in prison means carrying a weight that many of your peers can't imagine, but it doesn't define your limits or your potential. Every day that you get up and face the world, you're proving that you're more than your circumstances.
Hope might feel like a luxury you can't afford, but it's actually a necessity for survival. Hope doesn't mean pretending everything is fine or that your pain doesn't matter. It means believing that your future can be different from your present, that your parent's choices don't determine your destiny, and that you have the power to write your own story.
Some days, hope might look like planning for college despite the obstacles. Other days, it might simply be believing you'll make it through the week. Both are valid. Hope can be found in small moments—a teacher who believes in you, a friend who accepts your whole truth, a hobby that makes you feel alive, or a dream for your future that no one can take away.
Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting or forgiving if you're not ready. It means choosing to focus on what you can control—your choices, your reactions, your future—rather than being paralyzed by what you can't change. It means accepting that your family looks different from others but that different doesn't mean less valuable or less deserving of happiness.
You deserve support during this journey. Organizations like Out of the Ashes exist because we understand that families affected by incarceration need specialized support that recognizes their unique challenges. Whether it's through our teen support groups, mentorship programs, or family counseling services, we're here to walk alongside you. You don't have to navigate this path alone.
Your story is still being written. Yes, it includes chapters you wouldn't have chosen, but you're the author of what comes next. Your parent's incarceration is part of your story, but it's not the whole story. You are so much more than this one challenging circumstance. You are resilient, valuable, and deserving of a bright future—not despite having an incarcerated parent, but as the whole, complex person you are.
The teenage years are hard enough without adding parental incarceration to the mix. But you're doing it. You're surviving, and in many moments, you're even thriving. That takes a kind of courage that many people will never need to find within themselves. Hold onto that truth on the hardest days. You're braver than you know, stronger than you feel, and more capable than you imagine. Your future is still yours to create.