What to Tell Friends When Your Parent Is in Prison
What to Tell Friends When Your Parent Is in Prison
The questions come at the worst times. Maybe you're laughing with friends at lunch when someone casually mentions weekend plans with their parents, and suddenly everyone's looking at you, waiting for you to share yours. Or perhaps you're at a sleepover when someone suggests calling your mom to say goodnight, and you have to quickly think of an excuse. These moments can feel like walking through a minefield where one wrong step might change everything.
Having a parent in prison doesn't define who you are, but it can feel like it colors every interaction, especially when you're trying to figure out what to tell people. The truth is, there's no perfect script for these conversations. What you share, how you share it, and who you share it with are deeply personal decisions that only you can make. But you don't have to figure it all out alone.
Understanding Your Own Feelings First
Before you can decide what to tell others, it helps to sit with your own feelings about the situation. You might be cycling through anger, sadness, embarrassment, protectiveness, or even relief – and sometimes all of these in a single day. That's completely normal. Having a parent in prison is complicated, and your feelings about it are allowed to be complicated too.
Some days, you might feel fiercely protective of your parent, ready to defend them against anyone who might judge. Other days, you might be so angry at them for putting your family in this position that you don't want to talk about them at all. You might feel embarrassed when you hear other kids complaining about their parents being "annoying" when you'd give anything just to have yours home. Or you might feel guilty for having fun with friends when your parent is locked up.
Take some time to check in with yourself regularly. How are you feeling today? What do you need right now? Sometimes the answer might be "I need to talk about this with someone I trust." Other times it might be "I need a break from thinking about it at all." Both responses are valid. Understanding where you're at emotionally can help you make better decisions about what you're comfortable sharing and when.
It's also important to remember that your feelings might change over time. What feels too private to share today might feel important to talk about next month. What seems overwhelming now might become more manageable as you find your way through it. Give yourself permission to change your mind about how you handle these conversations as you grow and as your situation evolves.
Deciding What You're Comfortable Sharing
You get to control your story. This might be one of the few things in this situation that you actually have power over, so use it wisely. Think of information about your parent like circles of trust – some people get to be in the inner circle where you share more details, while others might only need to know the basics, and some people don't need to know anything at all.
Start by thinking about what feels safe and comfortable for you. You might decide to tell your best friend everything because they've proven they can handle difficult information without judging. But with newer friends or classmates, you might choose to keep things more general. There's no shame in protecting your privacy. You're not lying or being fake – you're taking care of yourself.
Consider creating different levels of explanation that you can use depending on the situation and the person. For casual acquaintances who ask where your parent is, you might simply say "They're away right now" or "They can't be here." For closer friends, you might share "My parent is dealing with some legal issues" or "They're serving time for something that happened." And for your inner circle, you might feel comfortable sharing more details about the situation, how long they'll be gone, and how you're really feeling about it.
Remember that once you share information, you can't take it back. It's okay to start small and share more over time as you build trust with someone. It's much harder to backtrack if you share too much too quickly and then regret it. Trust your instincts – if something feels off about sharing with a particular person, listen to that feeling.
Handling Different Types of Reactions
When you do decide to share, people might react in ways you don't expect. Some friends might immediately wrap you in support, saying things like "That must be really hard" or "I'm here if you need anything." These are the keepers – the friends who see you as the same person you were before they knew this information. They might ask thoughtful questions or simply let you know they care without prying for details.
Others might react with shock or discomfort. They might not know what to say, so they say nothing, creating an awkward silence that feels like it stretches forever. Some might suddenly change the subject, acting like you never said anything at all. This doesn't necessarily mean they're bad friends – sometimes people just don't know how to handle heavy information. They might need time to process, or they might be worried about saying the wrong thing.
Unfortunately, some people might react with judgment or cruel comments. They might make assumptions about your family or even about you. They might share your private information with others or use it against you during an argument. These reactions hurt, and it's okay to acknowledge that pain. But remember – someone else's inability to respond with compassion is not a reflection of your worth or your family's value.
You might also encounter people who become overly curious, asking invasive questions about what your parent did, what prison is like, or other details that feel too personal to share. It's perfectly acceptable to set boundaries with these people. You can say something like "I'd rather not get into the details" or "That's not something I'm comfortable discussing." You don't owe anyone information just because they're curious.
Protecting Yourself from Judgment and Gossip
One of the hardest parts of having a parent in prison is dealing with the stigma and judgment that can come from others. Even in 2024, when we like to think we're more understanding about these issues, the reality is that some people still carry harsh judgments about incarceration and the families affected by it. Protecting yourself from this judgment isn't about being paranoid – it's about being smart and self-protective.
Before you share information with someone, consider their track record. Have they kept other people's secrets? Do they tend to gossip or drama? Have they shown judgment about other people's family situations? If someone has a history of spreading rumors or being judgmental, they probably haven't earned the right to know your personal story. It's not about punishing them – it's about protecting yourself.
If you do experience gossip or rumors spreading about your situation, remember that you have options. You might choose to confront the issue directly, talking to the person who shared your information or addressing rumors when you hear them. Or you might decide that responding would only add fuel to the fire, and choose to hold your head high and let the talk die down on its own. Both approaches can be valid depending on your situation.
Sometimes the judgment comes from unexpected places – even from adults who should know better. Teachers might make thoughtless comments about "criminal families," not realizing you're in the room. Other parents might suddenly become reluctant to let their kids hang out at your house. These experiences can feel especially hurtful because they come from people who are supposed to be mature and understanding. Remember that their discomfort or prejudice is about their own limitations, not about you or your worth.
Finding Your Support Network
Having a parent in prison can feel incredibly isolating, especially when it seems like none of your friends can relate to what you're going through. But you'd be surprised how many people have been touched by incarceration in some way – they just might not talk about it openly. Finding others who understand can make a world of difference in how you cope with this challenge.
Look for friends who show emotional maturity and empathy in other areas of their lives. The friend who was there for someone during their parents' divorce, who stood up for someone being bullied, or who has dealt with their own family challenges might be more understanding than you expect. Sometimes the best support comes from people who haven't experienced exactly what you're going through but who know what it's like to carry something heavy.
Consider connecting with support groups or programs specifically for young people with incarcerated parents. Organizations like ours at Out of the Ashes offer safe spaces where you can talk openly without fear of judgment, connect with others who truly get it, and learn coping strategies that actually work. There's something powerful about being in a room (virtual or physical) where you don't have to explain why you're sad on visiting day or why certain questions make you uncomfortable.
Don't overlook the adults in your life who might offer support. A trusted teacher, school counselor, coach, or family friend might provide a different kind of support than your peers can offer. They might help you navigate practical challenges, offer a listening ear without trying to fix everything, or simply provide a stable presence during an unstable time. Sometimes having an adult who believes in you and sees your potential can make all the difference.
Scripts for Common Situations
While there's no perfect formula for these conversations, having some phrases ready can help you feel more prepared when difficult questions arise. Think of these as starting points that you can adapt to match your own voice and comfort level. The key is to have something ready so you're not caught completely off guard when someone asks.
When someone asks where your parent is, you might say something like "They're not able to be here right now" or "They're taking care of some things and can't be around for a while." If pressed for more details, you can add "It's kind of complicated and not something I really want to get into right now" or "It's a family situation that we're dealing with." Most people will respect these boundaries and move on.
If you decide to share more, you might say something like "My parent is in prison right now. It's been really hard on our family, but we're getting through it." This opens the door for support while still keeping control over how much detail you share. If the person responds well, you can share more. If they seem uncomfortable or judgmental, you can change the subject.
For situations where someone makes an insensitive comment or joke about prison or criminals, you have several options. You might choose to speak up with something like "Hey, that's actually really hurtful. My parent is in prison and they're still a good person who made a mistake." Or you might decide to remove yourself from the conversation without explaining why. You could also talk to the person privately later if you think they'd be receptive to understanding why their words were hurtful.
When dealing with forms that ask for parent information or events that assume both parents can attend, you can simply provide the information for your available parent or guardian. If someone questions it, a simple "My other parent can't make it" is usually enough. You don't owe anyone an explanation beyond what's necessary for practical purposes.
Taking Care of Your Mental Health
Carrying the weight of having a parent in prison while trying to maintain normal friendships and navigate social situations can be exhausting. It's like running a marathon while everyone else is on a casual walk – of course you're going to get tired sometimes. Taking care of your mental health isn't selfish or weak; it's necessary and brave.
Pay attention to how these conversations and situations affect you. Do you feel drained after hanging out with certain people? Do you find yourself constantly on guard, worried about what questions might come up? Are you pulling away from friends because it feels easier than potentially facing judgment? These are all signs that you might need to adjust your approach or seek additional support.
Sometimes taking care of your mental health means taking breaks from talking or thinking about your parent's incarceration. It's okay to have days where you just want to be a regular kid doing regular things. You don't have to carry this weight in every moment of every day. Give yourself permission to laugh, have fun, and enjoy time with friends without guilt.
Other times, taking care of yourself means leaning into the support available to you. This might mean finally opening up to that friend who keeps gently letting you know they're there if you need them. It might mean asking your caregiver about finding a therapist who has experience with families affected by incarceration. It might mean joining a support group where you can drop the mask and just be real about how hard this is.
Growing Stronger Through the Challenge
While you wouldn't have chosen this situation, navigating the complexity of having a parent in prison can teach you things about yourself that you might not have learned otherwise. You're developing skills in boundary-setting, emotional intelligence, and resilience that many people don't develop until much later in life, if at all. That doesn't make the situation fair or okay, but it does mean you're growing in powerful ways.
You're learning how to assess people's trustworthiness, how to protect your own emotional well-being, and how to maintain relationships even when things get complicated. You're discovering who your real friends are – the ones who stick around when things aren't picture-perfect. You're finding your voice and learning when to use it and when to preserve your energy.
Most importantly, you're learning that you can handle hard things. Every difficult conversation you navigate, every boundary you set, every day you get through is proof of your strength. You're not just surviving this experience; you're finding ways to maintain your friendships, protect your heart, and stay true to yourself despite the challenges.
Recent research has shown that young people who successfully navigate having an incarcerated parent often develop what researchers call "post-traumatic growth" – positive psychological changes that come from working through difficult experiences. This might include stronger relationships with the people who truly support you, a clearer sense of your own values and priorities, and increased confidence in your ability to handle future challenges. You're not just getting through this; you're growing through it.
Moving Forward with Hope and Confidence
As you continue navigating friendships while dealing with your parent's incarceration, remember that this is just one part of your story – not the whole book. You are still the same person you were before, with the same dreams, talents, and potential. Having a parent in prison doesn't diminish your worth or limit your future. If anything, the strength you're building now will serve you well in whatever path you choose.
Your real friends – the ones worth keeping – will see past this situation to who you really are. They'll admire your strength, respect your boundaries, and support you without judgment. These relationships, forged in the fire of difficult times, often become the strongest and most meaningful connections in our lives. Trust that the right people will show up for you, even if it takes time to find them.
Remember too that your story is still being written. Your parent's incarceration is a chapter, but it's not the ending. You get to decide what comes next, how you'll use this experience, and who you'll become through it all. Many successful, compassionate, incredible people have walked this path before you and gone on to do amazing things. Your circumstances don't determine your destination.
The conversations about your parent's incarceration will likely continue to come up throughout your life in different ways. But with each conversation, you'll get a little better at handling them. You'll become more confident in your boundaries, clearer about what you need, and stronger in your sense of self. The scared kid who didn't know what to say will grow into a confident person who knows their worth isn't determined by their parent's mistakes.
Until then, take it one conversation at a time. Trust your instincts. Protect your heart while staying open to genuine connection. And remember – you are brave, you are valuable, and you are not alone in this journey. The very fact that you're reading this, looking for ways to handle these situations, shows the strength and wisdom you