Young Adults Coping With Parents in Prison
Young Adults Coping With Parents in Prison
The weight of having a parent in prison doesn't magically disappear when you turn 18. In many ways, it becomes more complex. You're trying to build your own life while managing a relationship with someone behind bars, dealing with the financial and emotional fallout of their absence, and often feeling like you're living in two different worlds – one where you're supposed to be a carefree young adult, and another where you're dealing with collect calls, visiting hours, and the heavy reality of incarceration.
The Unique Challenges of Being a Young Adult
When you're in your late teens or twenties, you're supposed to be figuring out who you are, what you want from life, and how to be independent. But when your parent is in prison, these normal developmental milestones get tangled up with responsibilities and emotions that your peers don't have to navigate. You might find yourself managing your parent's affairs, supporting younger siblings, or dealing with financial pressures that force you to grow up faster than you should have to.
The isolation can be overwhelming. While your friends are posting photos with their families at graduations or holidays, you're either making excuses for your parent's absence or carefully cropping photos to hide the prison visiting room background. You become an expert at deflecting questions, changing subjects, and living with a secret that feels too big to share but too heavy to carry alone.
What makes this even harder is that you're at an age where you're naturally supposed to be separating from your parents, developing your own identity and independence. But how do you separate from someone who's already been forcibly separated from you? How do you rebel against or find your independence from a parent who's locked up? These normal developmental needs get complicated when filtered through the reality of incarceration.
Many young adults describe feeling stuck between being a child who misses their parent and being forced into adult responsibilities far too early. You might be the one fielding calls from lawyers, managing commissary deposits, or explaining to younger siblings why mom or dad can't come home. The role reversal – where you become the caretaker instead of the cared-for – can leave you feeling resentful, exhausted, and robbed of your youth.
The Emotional Roller Coaster You're Riding
Let's talk about the feelings – all of them. Because if you're like most young adults with an incarcerated parent, you're probably experiencing emotions that seem to contradict each other every single day. You love your parent, but you're furious at them for the choices that led to this. You miss them desperately, but sometimes you're relieved they're not around. You want to support them, but you're exhausted from carrying this burden. All of these feelings are valid, and experiencing them doesn't make you a bad person or a bad son or daughter.
Anger is often the emotion that surprises people the most. You might be angry at your parent for missing important milestones – your high school graduation, moving into your first apartment, starting college or a new job. You might be angry at the system that seems designed to make everything harder. You might be angry at yourself for being angry. This anger can feel especially complicated because society often expects children to unconditionally support their parents, but what happens when your parent's actions have caused you real harm?
Grief is another emotion that often goes unrecognized. You're grieving the parent you wish you had, the relationship you might have had, and the normal young adult experience you're missing out on. This grief can hit at unexpected moments – when you see a friend's parent helping them move into a new apartment, during holidays when that empty chair feels especially noticeable, or when you achieve something amazing and your first instinct is to call someone who can't answer a regular phone.
The guilt can be suffocating. Guilt when you have a good day and realize you forgot about your parent's situation for a few hours. Guilt when you don't have money for their commissary. Guilt when you're too busy with your own life to visit. Guilt when you consider limiting contact for your own wellbeing. This guilt often comes with a side of shame – shame about your family situation, shame about keeping secrets, shame about not being able to "fix" everything.
Navigating Relationships and Social Situations
One of the most challenging aspects of having an incarcerated parent as a young adult is figuring out how to navigate relationships and social situations. When do you tell someone you're dating about your parent? How do you handle it when friends want to have a gathering at your house, but you don't want to explain why there are no family photos with your dad? What do you say at work events when colleagues casually chat about their families?
The dating question is particularly complex. You might worry that telling someone too early will scare them away, but waiting too long can feel like lying by omission. There's no perfect timeline, but many people find it helpful to share this information when the relationship starts to feel serious – when you're moving beyond casual dating into something more meaningful. The right person will understand that your parent's situation doesn't define you, and their response can actually be a good indicator of their character and compatibility with you.
Friendships can be equally complicated. You might find yourself gravitating toward friends who have their own family challenges, people who understand that families come in all forms and that love can coexist with difficulty. On the flip side, you might find some friendships becoming strained, especially with those who come from more traditional backgrounds and can't understand why you still maintain a relationship with your parent.
In professional settings, you have every right to keep your family situation private. If colleagues ask about your parents, you can be vague ("They live out of state" or "We're not very close") or redirect the conversation. If you do choose to share, remember that you control the narrative. You might say something like, "My parent is dealing with some legal issues" or "My family situation is complicated." You don't owe anyone detailed explanations.
Managing the Practical Realities
Beyond the emotional challenges, there are countless practical realities that young adults with incarcerated parents must navigate. The financial burden alone can be overwhelming. Between phone calls that cost more than international rates, commissary money, travel expenses for visits, and potentially supporting family members who depended on your parent's income, the costs add up quickly. Many young adults find themselves working multiple jobs or taking on debt just to maintain contact with their parent and support their family.
The phone situation deserves its own discussion because it's often a source of constant stress. Prison phone systems are notoriously expensive and complicated. You might find yourself budgeting every conversation, watching the clock during calls, or having to choose between accepting a call and being able to afford groceries that week. Some young adults describe the anxiety of seeing a call coming through when they know they can't afford to accept it, knowing their parent will worry about why they didn't answer.
Visits present their own challenges. If your parent is incarcerated far from where you live, visits might require significant travel expenses and time off from work or school. The visiting process itself can be dehumanizing – early morning arrival times, extensive searches, strict dress codes, and limited physical contact. You might find yourself feeling anxious for days before a visit, not just about seeing your parent but about navigating the prison system itself.
Then there's the challenge of maintaining your own life while supporting your incarcerated parent. You might be helping them with legal matters, researching resources, or advocating for their needs within the prison system. This can feel like a part-time job on top of your actual job, education, and other responsibilities. Learning to set boundaries around how much time and energy you can dedicate to these tasks is crucial for your own wellbeing.
Setting Boundaries While Maintaining Connection
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that loving someone doesn't mean sacrificing your own wellbeing for them. Setting boundaries with an incarcerated parent can feel particularly difficult because they're already isolated and dealing with the harsh realities of prison life. You might feel like you're all they have, or that saying no to any request makes you a bad person. But boundaries are essential for maintaining both your sanity and a sustainable relationship with your parent.
Financial boundaries are often the first ones young adults need to establish. It's okay to set a monthly budget for prison-related expenses and stick to it. You might decide you can afford $50 a month for phone calls and commissary, or you might only be able to manage $20. Whatever your limit is, communicate it clearly and don't feel guilty for not being able to provide more. Your parent's situation is not your financial responsibility to solve.
"I love you and I want to support you, but I can only afford to put $X on your books each month."
"I can talk on Tuesday evenings, but I need to keep my weekends for work and personal time."
"I care about what you're going through, but I need to talk about other things too during our calls."
"I want to visit, but I can only come once every two months because of the distance and cost."
Emotional boundaries can be even more challenging to establish. Your parent might want to talk about their case constantly, vent about prison conditions, or lean on you for emotional support in ways that feel overwhelming. It's okay to redirect conversations, to ask for calls that focus on positive topics, or to limit how often you engage with the heavy emotional aspects of their situation. You can be supportive while also protecting your own mental health.
Time boundaries are crucial too. You might feel pressure to accept every phone call, respond to every letter immediately, or visit as often as possible. But you have your own life to live, and it's okay to prioritize your education, career, relationships, and personal time. Setting regular communication schedules can help – maybe you talk every Sunday afternoon, or you visit on the first Saturday of each month. Having a routine can reduce guilt and help your parent know when to expect contact.
Building Your Own Life and Identity
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you are not defined by your parent's incarceration. You are a whole person with your own dreams, goals, and potential. While having an incarcerated parent is part of your story, it doesn't have to be the entire narrative of your life. Building your own identity separate from your family's circumstances is not just okay – it's necessary for your growth and wellbeing.
This might mean pursuing education or career opportunities that take you geographically far from your parent's prison. It might mean choosing to limit contact during particularly stressful times in your own life. It might mean creating chosen family relationships with mentors, friends, or partners who provide the support and stability you need. None of these choices make you selfish or uncaring – they make you human.
Many young adults find that their experience with parental incarceration actually shapes their identity in unexpected positive ways. You might discover a passion for criminal justice reform, social work, or advocacy. You might develop incredible resilience, empathy, and problem-solving skills that serve you well in your personal and professional life. You might find that your experience helps you connect with and support others facing difficult family situations.
It's also okay if you want nothing to do with anything related to criminal justice or incarceration in your future career or life. Some people find healing in advocacy, while others find it in creating a life completely separate from these issues. Both paths are valid, and you get to choose what feels right for you.
Finding Support and Community
One of the most healing things you can do is connect with others who understand what you're going through. The isolation that comes with having an incarcerated parent can make you feel like you're the only one dealing with these challenges, but the truth is there are millions of young adults in similar situations. Finding your people – whether online or in person – can be transformative.
Support groups specifically for children and families of incarcerated individuals can provide a space where you don't have to explain or defend your situation. Everyone there gets it. You can share your frustrations about expensive phone calls, swap strategies for managing visits, or simply exist in a space where your reality is understood and validated. These groups can be found through local organizations, churches, community centers, or online platforms.
Therapy can be incredibly helpful, especially with a counselor who understands the unique dynamics of parental incarceration. A good therapist can help you process the complex emotions, set healthy boundaries, and work through any trauma or grief you're experiencing. Many colleges offer free or low-cost counseling services, and some communities have sliding-scale therapy options for young adults.
Don't underestimate the power of creative expression as a form of support and healing. Many young adults find that writing, art, music, or other creative outlets help them process their experiences and emotions. You might journal about your feelings, create art that expresses what words cannot, or find songs that capture your experience. These creative practices can be deeply therapeutic and help you make sense of your journey.
Looking Forward: Hope and Healing
As you navigate young adulthood with an incarcerated parent, remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no timeline for "getting over" the impact of this experience. Some days will be harder than others. Some milestones will sting more than expected. Some moments will catch you off guard with their intensity. All of this is normal and okay.
What many young adults discover over time is that they can build meaningful, fulfilling lives while maintaining whatever level of relationship with their incarcerated parent feels right for them. You might find ways to include your parent in your life that feel sustainable – sharing your achievements through letters, having them contribute to family recipes or traditions from prison, or finding ways for them to offer guidance and support despite the physical distance.
Recent studies have found that young adults who successfully navigate parental incarceration often develop remarkable resilience, empathy, and strength. These qualities, forged in difficult circumstances, can become some of your greatest assets as you build your adult life. The independence you've been forced to develop, the problem-solving skills you've honed, and the emotional intelligence you've gained are all tools that will serve you well in your future.
Remember too that if your parent is eventually released, your relationship will continue to evolve. The person who comes home will be changed by their experience, just as you've been changed by yours. Navigating reentry as a young adult child brings its own challenges and opportunities, but that's a bridge you can cross when – and if – you come to it.
For now, focus on today. On building your life one day at a time. On celebrating your achievements, no matter how small they might seem. On surrounding yourself with people who see and value you for who you are. On being gentle with yourself when things feel hard. You're doing something incredibly difficult, and you're doing it with strength and grace, even when it doesn't feel that way.
Organizations like Out of the Ashes understand the unique challenges you're facing because we've been there too. Our programs are designed by and for families affected by incarceration, offering everything from support groups to practical resources to help you navigate this journey. You don't have to do this alone, and reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether you're looking for community, resources, or just someone who understands, we're here for you.
Your life matters. Your dreams matter. Your wellbeing matters. And while having an incarcerated parent will always be part of your story, it doesn't have to define your future. You are resilient, you are worthy of love and success, and you have the power to create a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. The road might be more complicated than you imagined, but it's still your road to travel, and there are people ready to support you every step of the way.