Writing Letters to an Incarcerated Parent: Tips for Kids

Writing letters to your parent in jail or prison might feel strange at first. Maybe you've never written a real letter before, or you're not sure what to say, or you're worried about whether they'll actually get it. These feelings are totally normal.

The truth is, letters are often the best way to stay close to your parent while they're away. Unlike phone calls, which are expensive and time-limited, letters let you take your time to share your thoughts and feelings. Your parent can read your letter over and over, which can be really comforting to them.

Why Letters Matter So Much

When your parent is incarcerated, ordinary things like bedtime stories, homework help, or just chatting about your day become impossible. Letters help fill that gap. They're like having a conversation, except you can think about what you want to say and your parent can "hear" your voice whenever they read your words.

Your parent probably thinks about you constantly and wonders how you're doing. Getting a letter from you is often the best part of their day. It reminds them that they're still important to you and that they're still your parent, even though they can't be there right now.

Letters also help you process your own feelings. Sometimes it's easier to write down thoughts that feel too big or complicated to say out loud. Writing can help you figure out what you're really feeling and give you a safe way to express it.

Remember: There's no wrong way to write to your parent. Whether you write one sentence or ten pages, whether you talk about serious things or silly things, what matters is that you're reaching out.

Getting Started: The Basics

Before you write your first letter, you'll need to know where to send it. Your parent should have given you or your caregiver their full name as it appears in the prison system, their inmate ID number, and the complete mailing address of the facility. This information is crucial because mail without correct details might not reach them.

You can write on regular notebook paper, nice stationery, or even plain computer paper. Most facilities allow colored paper and pens, but avoid using markers or anything that might bleed through the paper. Some prisons have restrictions on certain colors, but these vary widely, so don't worry too much about this for your first letter.

Write clearly and legibly. If your handwriting is hard to read, consider printing in block letters or even typing your letter if you have access to a computer and printer. Remember, your parent wants to understand every word you've written.

Address Format: Use your parent's full legal name exactly as it appears in the prison system, include their inmate ID number, and write the complete facility address. Put your return address in the upper left corner so your parent can write back to you.

What to Write About

One of the biggest challenges is figuring out what to say. You might think your daily life is boring or that nothing important enough to share has happened. But here's the thing: your parent wants to know about the ordinary parts of your life because those are the parts they're missing most.

Start with the simple stuff. Tell them about your day, what you had for breakfast, which classes you liked or didn't like, what show you watched, or what game you played. These details might seem unimportant to you, but they help your parent feel connected to your daily routine.

Share your feelings, but don't feel like you have to be positive all the time. If you're sad, angry, or confused, it's okay to say so. Your parent would rather know how you're really doing than have you pretend everything is perfect. At the same time, if you're having good days, share those too. Hearing about your happiness can lift their spirits.

Ideas for what to include:

Tell them about school projects, friends, pets, holidays, or family gatherings. Describe a movie you watched, a book you read, or a place you visited. Ask them questions about their day, what they're reading, or what they're thinking about. Share dreams you had, goals you're working toward, or things you're excited about.

Don't feel pressure to write about their situation or why they're incarcerated unless you want to. Some kids find it helpful to express their feelings about the separation, while others prefer to focus on maintaining normalcy. Both approaches are perfectly fine.

Making Your Letters Special

While the words you write are the most important part, there are ways to make your letters extra meaningful. Drawing pictures, even simple doodles, can brighten up your letter and show your personality. If you're not artistic, don't worry – stick figures and smiley faces count too.

Consider writing about memories you share together. Remind your parent of funny things that happened, trips you took, or traditions your family has. These memories can be very comforting to someone who's feeling disconnected from their normal life.

If you're learning something new at school, teach it to your parent in your letter. Explain a science experiment, share a poem you wrote, or tell them about a historical event you studied. Your parent will love seeing how you're growing and learning.

Some kids like to include the date and keep their letters like a diary, creating an ongoing record of their life that their parent can follow along with. Others prefer to write whenever they feel like it without worrying about schedules.

Example letter snippet:

"Dear Dad, Today was picture day at school and I wore the blue shirt you got me for my birthday. I hope you like how the picture turns out. In math class we're learning about fractions and I actually understand them now! I remember you trying to help me with fractions last year and I got so frustrated. I wish you were here to see that I finally get it..."

Dealing with Difficult Feelings

Sometimes you might feel angry at your parent and not want to write to them. Or you might feel so sad that writing seems too hard. These feelings are completely normal and okay to have.

If you're angry, you can choose to write about those feelings or you can wait until the anger passes. There's no rule that says you have to write when you don't want to. However, sometimes writing about angry feelings can actually help you feel better and help your parent understand what you're going through.

When you're feeling sad or missing your parent a lot, writing can be both comforting and painful. It's okay to cry while you write, and it's okay to tell your parent that you miss them and wish they were home. Honest emotions, even difficult ones, can actually bring you closer together.

If you're worried about saying the wrong thing, remember that your parent loves you and wants to hear from you regardless of whether your letter is perfect. They understand that this situation is hard for you too.

It's okay to take breaks: You don't have to write constantly. Some kids write every day, others write once a week, and some write whenever they feel like it. Find a rhythm that works for you.

What Not to Include

While you have a lot of freedom in what you write about, there are some things to avoid. Don't include details about your parent's legal case, upcoming court dates, or anything related to their charges. Mail is often read by prison staff, and discussing legal matters in letters could potentially cause problems.

Avoid sending photographs unless you're sure the facility allows them, and never send money, stickers, or anything that might be considered contraband. When in doubt, stick to just your letter written on plain paper.

Try not to make promises about things you can't control, like when they'll get out or whether certain family members will visit. Instead, focus on what you can promise, like that you'll keep writing or that you love them.

Important: Don't share information that could get you or your family in trouble, like addresses of people who don't want contact with your parent, details about other family members' legal situations, or anything involving drugs or illegal activities.

When Writing Feels Hard

Some days, sitting down to write a letter might feel overwhelming. Maybe you can't think of anything to say, or you're dealing with too many emotions, or you just don't feel like it. This is completely normal.

On days when writing feels difficult, try starting small. Write one sentence about your day, or just "Hi, I'm thinking about you." Sometimes starting with something tiny makes the rest easier. You can always add more later or send a short letter and write a longer one next time.

If emotions are making writing hard, try talking to a trusted adult first. Sometimes discussing your feelings with someone else helps you figure out what you want to share with your parent.

Remember that your parent would rather receive a short, honest letter than no letter at all. Even "I don't know what to write but I wanted you to know I love you" is a meaningful message.

Getting Letters Back

One of the best parts about writing letters is getting them back. Your parent will probably write to you too, and their letters can become treasures that you save and reread.

Sometimes there might be delays in mail delivery, so don't worry if you don't hear back right away. Prison mail systems can be slow, and your parent might not always have access to paper and stamps immediately.

When you do get letters from your parent, take time to really read them and maybe write back with responses to things they shared. This creates a real conversation between you, just spread out over time.

Keeping letters safe: Consider keeping your parent's letters in a special box or folder. Someday you might want to look back and remember this time in your life, and these letters could be an important part of your family's story.

Making Letter Writing a Routine

Some families find it helpful to make letter writing a regular activity. Maybe you write every Sunday after dinner, or every few days after school, or whenever something interesting happens that you want to share.

If you live with other family members, consider writing letters together sometimes. Siblings can add notes to each other's letters, or grandparents can help younger kids with writing and spelling. This can make letter writing feel less lonely and more like a family activity.

You might also coordinate with other family members so your parent gets mail regularly. If everyone writes on different days, your parent might get letters throughout the week instead of all at once.

When Your Parent Comes Home

If your parent is coming home someday, these letters will become a record of who you were and how you grew during the time you were apart. They might help your parent understand what you went through and how you changed.

Some families choose to read through old letters together after reunification, while others prefer to leave that chapter closed and focus on moving forward. Either choice is perfectly okay.

The letter-writing skills you develop now – expressing your thoughts clearly, sharing your feelings honestly, and maintaining relationships across distance – are skills that will serve you well throughout your life.

Remember that every letter you write is a gift to your parent and to yourself. You're maintaining one of the most important relationships in your life during a very difficult time. That takes courage and love.

Your words matter more than you know. They remind your parent that they're still connected to the world outside, still important to someone who loves them, and still your parent no matter where they are.

If letter writing brings up difficult emotions or you need support processing your feelings about your parent's incarceration, Out of the Ashes offers counseling and support groups specifically designed for young people in your situation.